I'm Magically Delicious

I went to a big St. Patty's Day Festival in Piedmont Park yesterday. This is always a fun event with lots of drinking, good bands and fun people watching, and the weather could not have been more perfect for it. I went by myself (mainly because I couldn't find anyone to go with me) as part of my new "What the hell, embrace loneliness" attitude. Well, maybe going to a big drinking festival alone isn't exactly the way to embrace my loneliness. There I sat on a blanket in the big crowded festival, all alone. And, guess what, no one approached me (at all). Maybe I seemed like a weird loner, maybe I am just too old for this crowd, I don't know. I don't think I look much older than everyone else, and I certainly don't look like a weird loner. I am an attractive blonde, and I was enjoying the music and a beer like everyone else. But I wasn't wearing a costume or a shirt that said "Eat me, I'm Italian" or "I'm Magically Delicious" or the upside down "If you can read this, put me back on my barstool" (yes, I did see women wearing these). Eventually (after a couple of beers) I did get up and go to the front and dance to the band. I had fun even though I was utterly and completely alone at this crazy, drunken bash. I talked to a few random people around me, but none of them invited me to join them and their friends, which I was surprised by really. After about an hour of dancing I decided to leave. It was still early (only about 8:00), but I called it a night. I didn't want to be too drunk to drive (and I knew if I stayed I would want to keep partying). That is one disadvantage of going alone. I don't regret going it alone, but I do wish that I had met someone interesting, even a new friend would have been great.

Embrace the Loneliness

I have decided to embrace my loneliness. I have spent over a year being lonely as hell, meanwhile dating many guys to no avail. But right now I just need to focus on being my own best friend. I realize how hard this is for me, given that I have always been seeing someone. I have floated from one guy to the next with little time in between. And, for that reason, I am not used to this lonely feeling. But this is good for me. It gives me time to explore myself as I never have before. My biggest downfall in life has been to follow in the footsteps of the guy of the moment. I dropped out of college because of a guy (actually one that I was running away from and one that I was running to). I didn't go to L.A. to pursue acting because of a guy (he didn't want to go and yet now he lives there and is successful in the biz and engaged to Madonna's assistant). I didn't pursue my dream of acting because I got married to a guy. And I have moved more times than I want to admit because of a guy. I need to stop changing my life because of my endless quest to find the right guy. I need to focus on me and my own happiness. And truthfully, I have, in some ways, liked being alone. I can watch whatever I want on tv. I discipline my son the way I want without anyone telling me I am doing it wrong. I can spend more time with my son. I can do what I want when I want. And I don't have to spend extra energy trying to please someone else. I think this time is crucial to my own personal development. Has it been difficult at times? Yes, but then again so are relationships. Has it been scary to realize that if I died suddenly there wouldn't be anyone there to bawl at my bedside - yes. Okay, my son would, but that is what keeps me going. My son is the most precious thing to me, and when I realize I am raising a little guy who is going to grow into one of these men of the world, well, it just makes me want to focus on making him the best guy he can be. Because some day he is going to meet a girl, and she will fall in love with him. When that happens I want to make sure he knows how to treat a girl right.