Embrace the Loneliness

I have decided to embrace my loneliness. I have spent over a year being lonely as hell, meanwhile dating many guys to no avail. But right now I just need to focus on being my own best friend. I realize how hard this is for me, given that I have always been seeing someone. I have floated from one guy to the next with little time in between. And, for that reason, I am not used to this lonely feeling. But this is good for me. It gives me time to explore myself as I never have before. My biggest downfall in life has been to follow in the footsteps of the guy of the moment. I dropped out of college because of a guy (actually one that I was running away from and one that I was running to). I didn't go to L.A. to pursue acting because of a guy (he didn't want to go and yet now he lives there and is successful in the biz and engaged to Madonna's assistant). I didn't pursue my dream of acting because I got married to a guy. And I have moved more times than I want to admit because of a guy. I need to stop changing my life because of my endless quest to find the right guy. I need to focus on me and my own happiness. And truthfully, I have, in some ways, liked being alone. I can watch whatever I want on tv. I discipline my son the way I want without anyone telling me I am doing it wrong. I can spend more time with my son. I can do what I want when I want. And I don't have to spend extra energy trying to please someone else. I think this time is crucial to my own personal development. Has it been difficult at times? Yes, but then again so are relationships. Has it been scary to realize that if I died suddenly there wouldn't be anyone there to bawl at my bedside - yes. Okay, my son would, but that is what keeps me going. My son is the most precious thing to me, and when I realize I am raising a little guy who is going to grow into one of these men of the world, well, it just makes me want to focus on making him the best guy he can be. Because some day he is going to meet a girl, and she will fall in love with him. When that happens I want to make sure he knows how to treat a girl right.

The Bachelor's Decision

I confess I watch "The Bachelor" on a regular basis, and last night's episode was indeed a doozy. Jason was forced to choose between two women - Melissa and Molly. He chose Melissa and proposed to her in what would have made a romantic fairy tale ending to the show, but wait - its not over. Because right after, the follow up show "After the Final Rose" comes on and he decides that things aren't going as he wished six weeks later and dumps Melissa on air! Then he immediately asks Molly if he can try dating her again! At first I thought "What a cad!" But then I got to thinking: haven't we all made decisions and then changed our minds once we learned we weren't right for eachother? I know I have. I once was dating a sweet, fun college professor who I was really into, and when I realized he wasn't as into me as I was into him, I decided to dump him for the Mr. Executive who was really into me and showed it. That was a mistake on my part. I should have stayed with Mr. College Professor to see where it was going. It may not have gone anywhere, but I realize now that going with Mr. Executive was a huge error in judgement. And isn't this what Jason did? He realized that Melissa wasn't the right girl for him, and rather than stringing her along just because the audience would want them to stay together, he chose to let her go. I don't think it was right for him to do it on national television and humiliate Melissa in front of millions of people, but he was right to let her go if he didn't feel it in his heart. And Molly, well, lets just say I'll be very surprised if it works out between them. She, after all, is second choice. They might beat the odds and make it work, but I doubt it. After all, he has a lot of explaining to do.

She's Just Not That Into You

Well, I feel terrible. I had to let Mr. Nice Guy move on. I just wasn't being fair to him. I was very honest with him about not feeling the same way. I continued to go out with him anyway. And he fell in love with me. When he gave me the mushy Valentine's Day love poem though, I just couldn't take it anymore. It made me uncomfortable since I don't feel the same way about him. And so, sadly, I had to tell him I cannot continue to see him knowing that he feels that way about me. And part of me wishes I could learn to love such a kind, caring guy. He just didn't float my boat. I need a more manly man, someone who is strong and charismatic. And he just wasn't. And I really would like to find a guy who is passionate about not only me, but about his job, and other things, too. He definitely was not. And the sex, well, definitely not exciting to me. I think once you have experienced really great sex, it is hard to go back to mediocre, ho-hum romps in the covers. So, now I am dateless again. I feel like I need to take a major break from dating. I guess its hard to meet someone when you spend most of your time looking for a job. I do have hope that things will get better. I need to believe that this is just a low on the roller coaster of life and that the highs are right around the next curve.

I'm Not Gonna Write You a Love Song

What a slap in the face! I went out with Dane (college friend, another Mr. Executive) last week and we had a good time again (or so I thought). It was our third night out together, and, although, I am not thinking long term with him, I did enjoy another night of cavorting and carefree kisses under the covers. So, here it is: Valentine's weekend, and I haven't heard a word from him. I don't expect much, mind you, but a call or email would be nice. So, I shot him an email "Hope your week is going well." And I get a call back. He asks if I have my son this weekend. I take that as "Do you want to go out?" So, I tell him I don't have my son Saturday night (which is true, although I have not made any plans yet - pathetic, I know). He asks if I would like to do some work for his company to make some extra cash. What!? Work - on Saturday night, which happens to be Valentine's night - I don't think so. I mean, I know I need a job, but really! Does he really think I am that desperate for money? And, is he just going to ignore the fact that we have been sleeping together and it is Valentine's weekend?! So, I told him I don't like the idea of working a Saturday night, but that I would get back to him if I could find someone to watch my son during the day. But really, I have no desire to go work at his office on Valentine's Day. How lousy did that make me feel? I think I should just blow him off and shoot him another email that says I can't do it. Then, I should just go out with Mr. Nice Guy, who, of course, has been asking me out for weeks. What would you do?

The Path Not Taken

I am moving in a couple of months, so I have been going through my things and getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore. I am one of those people that has kept all kinds of things from my youth - old diaries, pictures, notes from friends, etc. I came across some old photos of me from my acting days. I was young, beautiful, and had stars in my eyes, hope for the future, belief in myself. What happened to that young woman? I wish I could go back and be her again. I wish I could make different choices than I made... different choices that would have led me to a different place than I am at today. I made so many choices that led me to this place, this person that I am today. I am lost now. I somehow got off my path. How do I get back on? I am going to be 37 next week. I am an out of work, lonely single mom. I never saw myself in this place. It's like I wandered off course. I don't know where I am supposed to be, but I know this place does not feel right. I want to find my way back and get on the right path, the path not taken. I am truly sad about my life. I want to have hope, to have belief in myself, to have passion and motivation. I keep searching, spinning, like a hamster in a wheel. I am now that woman who goes out into the world every day with a smile, pretending that everything is okay. What can I do to be that woman who truly believes it? How do I find the woman I am supposed to be?

Looking for Love in all the wrong places

I want to feel that kind of love that sweeps you off your feet, that devastating feeling that you cannot possibly live without someone, that love that you see in the movies that makes me swoon with envy. This is what everyone wants, right? And the sad fact of the matter is that I am nowhere near able to open my heart to such a love and there is no one is sight that will cause such an effect on me. I feel expendable and useless and unmotivated, mostly because of my endless quest to find a job. If one doesn't love herself how can one find love. I certainly don't love my life or myself much lately. I have been trying to make the best of lousy circumstances, and I have been doing my best to find a job, to no avail. And the men I have been meeting...well, lets just say they aren't men that I can see myself with long term..Let's see there was the guy whose wife had a restraining order on him, and the guy who was in prison for 10 years for drug smuggling, and, of course, the college friend... well, he is fun, but I have come to realize that it is just a rebellious act on my part because I know we aren't right for each other and no one I know would approve. So, now what. I will just continue to try to be the best I can be. I will continue to search for passion, motivation and a commitment to be a better person. Because, right now, that is all I know to do.

Simmer vs. Sizzle

Still looking for a job. Wow, this economy is so lousy. It has never taken me this long to find employment. But I am getting by (thanks to a very supportive family). I do have an interview today with Mr. Nice Guy's company. How crazy is that? I may end up working for the same company as him! He and I are still dating; he even gave me a pretty bracelet for Christmas. But I felt guilty: A) Because I couldn't afford to get him anything and B) because I don't have such strong feelings for him. I really like him, but as a friend. I have been honest with him about the fact that I am not ready for anything serious. I do have a connection with him, but I crave that magic, that spark, that "I can't go a day without talking to you" feeling. And the sex, well, lets just say it isn't magical.

I did have some magical sex over the holidays though. I met up with an old college friend that I hadn't seen in over 15 years! We hit it off just like old times. We were "friends with benefits" in college and he was one of my firsts. So it was wild when we ended up wrapped in eachother's arms at the end of the night, once again after so many years. And, wow, it was hot... hotter than I remembered. We were just kids back then. I was 19 and he was 21. And now, well, we aren't kids anymore. Don't know if we will get together again. Maybe it wasn't as good for him as it was for me. But after all these years, I would still be up for more fun with him. I know it probably won't go anywhere (it fizzled out the first time around), but I welcome some sizzle in my life.