I haven't written in a while. I have been down in the dumps after being laid off from my job. Like a lot of people, I am jobless and down and out for the holidays. I have been thinking so much about life lately. I miss being young and carefree. I keep in touch with a lot of old friends from school on Facebook and I suppose it is a constant reminder of my wilder, younger days when being a free spirit was completely okay. Now that I am a mom, this is not the case. I feel so lonely, a loneliness that I haven't felt before. And what I feel most of all, is desperate for excitement. I want to be lit up again. I want to feel anticipation, the kind that comes with a new love, a new job, a new interest. But right now, I am not interested in anything. I am dreading the coming weeks and wish that the year would be over NOW. I feel the coming year will be a better one. This year has been filled with such angst, worry and bad luck. I left a nightmarish relationship that has left me with a concrete wall of distrust and fear. I lost two jobs that I liked. I hate to feel sorry for myself because I am so lucky in so many ways, but I do feel like I deserve way more than I have gotten this year. I guess my bad decisions have caught up with me. So here I am, 36, out of work, lonely, jaded and poor. Happy F*cking Holidays!
