Hamster in the Wheel

I haven't written in a long while. I did finally get a job as a secretary for a really great company in the city. However, my romantic life is the pits. I have had too many one nighters and too few calls. And then last night was really pathetic. I was invited to a party but only knew one person there so decided not to go and instead hung out at the local tavern. I had a couple of drinks and then started drunk texting friends inviting them to come by and have a drink with me. I was basically all dressed up and feeling cute but lonely. Guys were chatting it up with me, but I wasn't interested in any of them. So I get a text back from Matt (an old friend that I thought would be fun to see). He texts that he will come join me. When he shows up, I realize I called the wrong Matt. Instead of my friend Matt, its this guy that I went out with once and then made great efforts to blow off. Oops. Well, I chat it up with him reluctantly catching up even though I really was unsure of how to get out of this one. Then another guy I texted (an old flame I recently got together with) says he can come meet me! I tell Matt that my friend who is in town from New York (true story) is on his way over. I tried to squeeze out of the situation gracefully but in the end I just blew him off rudely. When my New York friend arrived, I was so excited to see him that I completely ignored Matt. I do feel bad about being rude, but he did not get the hint. He just stood next to us the whole time while we caught up with eachother! Finally, he realized that Iwasn't the slightest bit interested in him and said goodbye. And, as for my New York friend he did not go home with me. On top of all of that, I overslept and was late for work. Am I the only one who just can't seem to get it right, no matter how hard I try.

True Colors

Well, his true colors came out in a big way. I have been enjoying the life of the cougar with my young boyfriend up until last week. We were totally getting along, spending practically every night together. He would come over and cook me dinner and hang out with me and watch TV with my son sound asleep in the other room. We were enjoying the quickie daliances that couples enjoy when there is a kid involved. Then, I was working a temp job one night and suggested we go out. He said he would go ahead as I was getting off late. He was two beers ahead of me when I arrived (he had also enjoyed several beverages with his friend before). I met him at our local bar. He was very ornery right from the start (Perhaps said friend had riled him up?). He gave me a hard time about not having found a job yet (even though I was paying for the night because he didn't have money from his part time job). I blew that off. But then, we arrived at the bar only to find he knew a girl that he had supposedly not slept with, only dated. She was with another guy. He decided to obsess over that and wanted to pick a fight with the guy. I told him he was being ridiculous, that he was with me - yea! NOT! He kept obsessing over them and was set on picking a fight. He told me I wasn't being supportive, that he needed a girl that was supportive. I told him I couldn't support him fighting with a total stranger over some girl he supposedly "dated once". We argued unitl we went back to his place.

The next morning, he awoke early for work and I told him I wanted to go home (so as not to have to pee in his parents' bathroom which he shared). He got mad at me! Then he said "I can't do this anymore, we're over and done."

He was supposed to go to a wedding weekend with me the next day at my parent's lake house and I haven't heard since.

What kind of closure is that? What kind of idiot am I for missing him right now? What an ASS!

Tides are Changing

I have been dating a new guy for about a month now. I have not had this much fun with a guy in over two years. We have been spending tons of time together and talk every day. He is younger by nine years, so I guess that makes me a cougar - yikes. He is about as different from my last boyfriend as you can get. My ex had a great job, loads of financial freedom, spoiled me, hardly drank and was very possessive. My new guy is waffling job-wise, is loads of fun, broke as I am, and is very easy going. I have decided to let it go that I sometimes have to pay for our dates (even though I can't afford to). I have decided to let it go that he lives in his parent's garage apartment (state of the economy that I, too, have had to make life changes for). But last night, well, I'm not sure I can just let that go.

My phone rang about 1:30 and I slept through it, but then rang again and I woke up. It was my new guy, Jay. He had been at a party on the other side of town and wanted to see if he could come over. I told him to be careful that I was worried about him driving after drinking, but that he could if he was quiet (I had my seven year old son and his friend asleep on the couch in the living room). About 10 minutes later he called again saying his car had stalled on the freeway and he needed me to pick him up. He was angry and cussing up a storm. I told him I couldn't pick him up because my son and his friend were asleep and there was no way I was going to drag them out in the middle of the night to go pick up my drunk boyfriend on the other side of town. He actually said, "Well, their asleep, just leave them, they won't notice." Seriously. I am not leaving my seven year old son and his friend at 2 am to go pick up my drunk boyfriend on the other side of town. I told him to cab it. I haven't heard from him since last night, and I am upset that he hasn't called to tell me he is okay. I am also upset that he posted pictures of the young, pretty girls he was partying with on his facebook last night before all of this happened. It doesn't take long before someone's true colors come out. I guess that is what I get for dating a younger man. I wonder if this tide is moving out just as it started to come in.

Can't Live With 'em, Can't Live Without 'em

Guys have been calling me often lately to go out, but I have noticed that I don't care or bother to return their calls (again an obvious sign that they enjoy the chase). I have come to realize that I a) am not meeting men who spark my interest and b) am really enjoying not having anyone to report to. I watched two friends of mine recently fall into the love hole, only to watch them struggle as they try to climb out. One, I'll call Janey, has been dating a guy (the friend of my brother's) and has come to realize that he may very well have a drug problem. The other, I'll call Jessica, has been seeing a guy who is way too critical about how she lives her life. I think I've been not returning the calls because I am afraid of falling into that hole again. I'd prefer to sit at home with my son and watch "American Idol" over dealing with the complications that come with relationships. And I do find it flattering that guys are calling, but for once in my life I have no desire to pursue them. Deep down in my heart, I still want to meet that guy who knocks me off of my feet and turns my world around. But I wonder if it is still possible.

Seems to me dad's have it easy

Dating is challenging enough without the added pressure of being a mom. When do we actually find the time? I find that I rarely have enough notice from my son's dad (on when he will take my son) to even accept a date. And those times are few and far between. And given that I am currently unemployed and recently moved across town, it isn't easy to find a sitter or afford one. I am lucky that my ex is involved with my son. However, he travels a lot for work so it isn't very consistent. One week he will take him on a Saturday, then a few weeks later he will take him all weekend. It just depends on his schedule. How lucky is he that he can just take him whenever he feels like it. I mean how would I know if he was truly working or out on the town every night. Meanwhile, I try to figure out when I can work in a date. And the guys I am dating seem to lose interest, probably on the basis that they can rarely see me. I think it would be a lot easier if I were meeting men who have kids of their own; then, perhaps they would at least understand. Yet the guys I am meeting are unmarried without children. And I have tried online dating, but I find it is harder to judge a person without meeting them face to face. And given my limited nights out, it sometimes seems like a big waste of time meeting guys that I know right away are not right for me.

And I also value my girl friends, and love to go out with them when I get the chance. So I have to be creative in order to spend time with them and find time to date. I realize now that I have been single for a year. This has been the longest stretch for me since college without having a relationship. I do think it is great for me; I need this time to myself. And I have been enjoying my freedom and being single. But I also wonder how difficult it will be to meet the man of my dreams if I can only see him every other Saturday (or sometimes less). If I am not willing to let him meet my child until we are serious, he will have to be awfully patient. I guess I will take the "wait and see" approach; and when the right guy comes along, hopefully, I will be able to find the time to work him into my life.

When it Rains it Pours

I had three dates this past weekend (it was spring break and my son was at his nana's). I don't usually date this many guys in one weekend, but they have been calling so what the heck! Friday, I went out with the guy who was sick on date #1 (I decided to give him a second chance - not sure why). Sadly I ended up paying for our night out. I guess he played on my sympathies (he had just lost his father to cancer and is also out of work right now). But, as a single mom who is struggling to make ends meet, I think it would make more sense if he had paid for half the bill! And, once again, he invited his lame friend to meet up with us, and talked of the girl he is in love with instead of asking questions about me. Not exactly my knight in shining armor.

My second date was with Mr. Nice Guy. He and I had agreed to be just friends and went out and partied like rock stars. Bad idea. By the end of the night, he was once again professing his love for me. Apparently he cannot handle being just friends.

My third date was with Dane, my old college friend. I am not sure why I keep going out with a man who obviously puts work first. He texts me for a date after weeks of not talking. So I meet him for a couple of drinks. He acts like I am the girl of his dreams the whole time, lingering on my every word, asking me probing questions like "What are you really looking for?" I shoot them back at him. He wants a partner, he says. He also tries to convince me that we would see more of eachother if I would let him come over when my son is home. I explain that I like to keep my dating life and my mommydom separate. I don't want my son to get too attached to a guy who may not be around for long. He tells me everything he thinks I want to hear. But I don't buy it because actions speak louder than words. In my mind, he is just a player. Not surprisingly, he asks me to come over to his place. I decline (mainly because I am so tired from my night out with Mr. Nice Guy). But I am relieved that I declined. Yes, some good sex would be nice for a change, but I see it more as a booty call, and I feel I may be getting too old for booty calls.

Maybe its the recent dye job (I just became a red head recently) or maybe it's something in the air, but I am not used to having so many guys asking me out. I know that I am not truly interested in any of them, but they keep calling. I guess it's true that guys enjoy a good chase.

Age is Not a Contagious Disease!

I went out last night, decided to skip the club night with the girls (I'm not much of a club goer). Went to the local tavern instead. Chatted it up with a very cute guy. We hit it off immediately, easy conversation. We made each other laugh. Liked the same music and movies. We enjoyed several drinks together over several hours of great conversation. But then the age question arose. And I knew he was probably a bit younger; I didn't realize he was only 26. Yikes, 26. For me, that was 11 years ago! I can't tell you how fast he got out of there after realizing how much older I am. I know I probably don't have much in common with a 26 year old. I know I have tons more baggage (a divorce, a kid, a slew of exes), but couldn't we at least hang out and be friends? Is that just impossible? Was Harry right when he said that women and men cannot be just friends?

Seriously?!

I went out on Saturday night with a guy I had met the week before at the St. Patty's event. We had not even talked on the phone; he asked me out through a text. So Romantic. I show up to meet him at his house in a very nice area of Atlanta. His house is somewhat surprising to me. He lives in an old house that smells of mildew and resembles that of an old frat boy's party home at the beach. He is 41, so I guess I would expect him to be a little more sophisticated. He then invites me to hang out and have a beer while we watch some basketball. Well, I am not a sports fan, but I conceded and sat down in his old comfy chair in a room overflowing with too much furniture. We chatted for a bit and it became apparent that my date was suffering from a major cold. He was all stuffed up and coughed quite a bit. But he said he wanted to go out for a bit (and I had already driven down to the area) so we went to a sports bar near his house. Once there, he waved over his friend who joined us in a booth, where we ate and enjoyed another beer. By the end of the meal, he was looking very weary and tired. I told him so and he agreed he wasn't feeling very good. So we went back to his place. He coaxed me into staying a while to keep him company. We had another drink while listening to some country music in his breakfast room (which had been turned into a bar area with a nice wood bar he built himself glittering with twinkle lights). He proceeded to talk about a girl he was in love with (for an hour!!!) Then asked my advice on how he should handle the situation (as she like him as just a friend - imagine that). Then, he was obviously not feeling great and wanted to lay down and watch a movie. I felt his head and noticed he had a fever. And although he wanted me to keep him company, I declined saying it was still early and I was feeling like going out still. So I finally left. Truth was, he seemed like a great guy to have as a friend, but seriously not a match made in heaven. Why would he go on a first date when he was feeling so ill? And then sit there and talk about a girl he is obviously still hung up on?! It's times like these that make me wonder why I date at all.

It's a Small World in this Big City

St. Patty's Day always brings a huge assortment of partying folks out. And this year it was full of more zany revelers. My girl friend and I went out to the local pub party at Meehans and thoroughly enjoyed the festivities, imbibing way too much alcohol for our own good. But that is what St. Patty's Day is all about, right? Well, we ended up in the local strip joint late at night (as strip clubs are some of the latest clubs open here in Atlanta). The place was packed! It's not my usual haunt, but I think it is fun to go occasionally (only after I've over-consumed the beverages). So there we were flirting drunkenly with guys who were obviously there for other reasons, but my girlfriend is an on-again-off-again dancer (and I once danced myself about 15 years ago) so I guess we attracted some attention. We ended up staying until closing and going back to a good looking guy's house to party some more (yes, a wild night indeed). Next thing I know, my girl friend and he are in the bathtub together. Well, I just planted myself on the couch and called it a night. The next morning we all go to breakfast together laughing it up about what a fun night we all had. I asked (just out of curiosity) what he does for a living and he says he works at *(& Bank. Surprised I said, "Oh really, my brother Rick works there, do you know him? It turns out, not only does he know him, but he works in the office next door - GULP! We both laughed it off, but obviously it was embarassing for both of us. And both of us were deeply relieved that we didn't get together. Small World, indeed!

I'm Magically Delicious

I went to a big St. Patty's Day Festival in Piedmont Park yesterday. This is always a fun event with lots of drinking, good bands and fun people watching, and the weather could not have been more perfect for it. I went by myself (mainly because I couldn't find anyone to go with me) as part of my new "What the hell, embrace loneliness" attitude. Well, maybe going to a big drinking festival alone isn't exactly the way to embrace my loneliness. There I sat on a blanket in the big crowded festival, all alone. And, guess what, no one approached me (at all). Maybe I seemed like a weird loner, maybe I am just too old for this crowd, I don't know. I don't think I look much older than everyone else, and I certainly don't look like a weird loner. I am an attractive blonde, and I was enjoying the music and a beer like everyone else. But I wasn't wearing a costume or a shirt that said "Eat me, I'm Italian" or "I'm Magically Delicious" or the upside down "If you can read this, put me back on my barstool" (yes, I did see women wearing these). Eventually (after a couple of beers) I did get up and go to the front and dance to the band. I had fun even though I was utterly and completely alone at this crazy, drunken bash. I talked to a few random people around me, but none of them invited me to join them and their friends, which I was surprised by really. After about an hour of dancing I decided to leave. It was still early (only about 8:00), but I called it a night. I didn't want to be too drunk to drive (and I knew if I stayed I would want to keep partying). That is one disadvantage of going alone. I don't regret going it alone, but I do wish that I had met someone interesting, even a new friend would have been great.

Rihanna don't go back!

All of this news about Rihanna and Chris Brown is very upsetting. I, too, have been involved with abusive men. Thankfully, I never got hurt (I got out as soon as I could after the signs were there). In one case, I dated a guy in college who I'll call Ben Stoner (yes, he was); he was the epitome of the frustrated artist. And one evening I came home after being out with a girl friend and he just threw a jealous fit (I think he might have been doing a little bit more than just pot that night). He was in such a rage that I threw a chair at him to defend myself. Then he threatened to kill me and proceeded to get a gun. I got away quick and ran out of the house to phone the police. Ben also ran out of the house and the cops found him in the woods and took him to jail (he was then tranferred to a mental hospital for a few days). I was so hooked though and I remember it killed me to let him go. I did the right thing though, and packed his stuff up and moved him out. I had constant nightmares about him after that; and since we had the same friends, I was constantly running into him. So I dropped out of college as a result of the whole drama.

Years later, I thought I was past playing the enabler. However, my recent relationship proves "once and enabler, always an enabler," for it also showed definite signs of abuse. Jake (who my friend refers to as Dumb F*ck) was very possessive and got very irate one day after I came back from a girlfriends party (she lived pretty far so I had spent the night). Long story short, I ended up locked in a bathroom with him (he wouldn't let me leave) standing in a towel sobbing as he threw things, punched holes in the door and shouted obscenities at me. When I finally got passed him (he was a foot taller and much stronger than I) I ran for the phone to call the police and he tried to get the phone from me. I bit his wrist and made a quick call as he ran out of the house. I would love to say this was the last I ever saw of him, but, no, I stayed in that mess of a relationship for close to six more months. Even after he had called my parents and told them a bunch of lies and truths I really wish they didn't know about me. He continued to prove what a Dumb F*ck he was by following me, checking my phone calls, and even arguing with me in front of my child at Disney World of all places! Yes, I finally did leave him, but God knows, it took me way too long to get out of there (part of the reason was I was unemployed then too).

So, Rihanna, take note: No Good Will Come of Your Relationship with Chris Brown. These guys don't change. We want them to. We want to believe we can bring out the best in them. But in the end, they bring out the worst in us. And, truly, I would rather be in NO relationship than a bad relationship. I know I have lived it, but I truly hope I have learned from it.

Embrace the Loneliness

I have decided to embrace my loneliness. I have spent over a year being lonely as hell, meanwhile dating many guys to no avail. But right now I just need to focus on being my own best friend. I realize how hard this is for me, given that I have always been seeing someone. I have floated from one guy to the next with little time in between. And, for that reason, I am not used to this lonely feeling. But this is good for me. It gives me time to explore myself as I never have before. My biggest downfall in life has been to follow in the footsteps of the guy of the moment. I dropped out of college because of a guy (actually one that I was running away from and one that I was running to). I didn't go to L.A. to pursue acting because of a guy (he didn't want to go and yet now he lives there and is successful in the biz and engaged to Madonna's assistant). I didn't pursue my dream of acting because I got married to a guy. And I have moved more times than I want to admit because of a guy. I need to stop changing my life because of my endless quest to find the right guy. I need to focus on me and my own happiness. And truthfully, I have, in some ways, liked being alone. I can watch whatever I want on tv. I discipline my son the way I want without anyone telling me I am doing it wrong. I can spend more time with my son. I can do what I want when I want. And I don't have to spend extra energy trying to please someone else. I think this time is crucial to my own personal development. Has it been difficult at times? Yes, but then again so are relationships. Has it been scary to realize that if I died suddenly there wouldn't be anyone there to bawl at my bedside - yes. Okay, my son would, but that is what keeps me going. My son is the most precious thing to me, and when I realize I am raising a little guy who is going to grow into one of these men of the world, well, it just makes me want to focus on making him the best guy he can be. Because some day he is going to meet a girl, and she will fall in love with him. When that happens I want to make sure he knows how to treat a girl right.

The Bachelor's Decision

I confess I watch "The Bachelor" on a regular basis, and last night's episode was indeed a doozy. Jason was forced to choose between two women - Melissa and Molly. He chose Melissa and proposed to her in what would have made a romantic fairy tale ending to the show, but wait - its not over. Because right after, the follow up show "After the Final Rose" comes on and he decides that things aren't going as he wished six weeks later and dumps Melissa on air! Then he immediately asks Molly if he can try dating her again! At first I thought "What a cad!" But then I got to thinking: haven't we all made decisions and then changed our minds once we learned we weren't right for eachother? I know I have. I once was dating a sweet, fun college professor who I was really into, and when I realized he wasn't as into me as I was into him, I decided to dump him for the Mr. Executive who was really into me and showed it. That was a mistake on my part. I should have stayed with Mr. College Professor to see where it was going. It may not have gone anywhere, but I realize now that going with Mr. Executive was a huge error in judgement. And isn't this what Jason did? He realized that Melissa wasn't the right girl for him, and rather than stringing her along just because the audience would want them to stay together, he chose to let her go. I don't think it was right for him to do it on national television and humiliate Melissa in front of millions of people, but he was right to let her go if he didn't feel it in his heart. And Molly, well, lets just say I'll be very surprised if it works out between them. She, after all, is second choice. They might beat the odds and make it work, but I doubt it. After all, he has a lot of explaining to do.

She's Just Not That Into You

Well, I feel terrible. I had to let Mr. Nice Guy move on. I just wasn't being fair to him. I was very honest with him about not feeling the same way. I continued to go out with him anyway. And he fell in love with me. When he gave me the mushy Valentine's Day love poem though, I just couldn't take it anymore. It made me uncomfortable since I don't feel the same way about him. And so, sadly, I had to tell him I cannot continue to see him knowing that he feels that way about me. And part of me wishes I could learn to love such a kind, caring guy. He just didn't float my boat. I need a more manly man, someone who is strong and charismatic. And he just wasn't. And I really would like to find a guy who is passionate about not only me, but about his job, and other things, too. He definitely was not. And the sex, well, definitely not exciting to me. I think once you have experienced really great sex, it is hard to go back to mediocre, ho-hum romps in the covers. So, now I am dateless again. I feel like I need to take a major break from dating. I guess its hard to meet someone when you spend most of your time looking for a job. I do have hope that things will get better. I need to believe that this is just a low on the roller coaster of life and that the highs are right around the next curve.

I'm Not Gonna Write You a Love Song

What a slap in the face! I went out with Dane (college friend, another Mr. Executive) last week and we had a good time again (or so I thought). It was our third night out together, and, although, I am not thinking long term with him, I did enjoy another night of cavorting and carefree kisses under the covers. So, here it is: Valentine's weekend, and I haven't heard a word from him. I don't expect much, mind you, but a call or email would be nice. So, I shot him an email "Hope your week is going well." And I get a call back. He asks if I have my son this weekend. I take that as "Do you want to go out?" So, I tell him I don't have my son Saturday night (which is true, although I have not made any plans yet - pathetic, I know). He asks if I would like to do some work for his company to make some extra cash. What!? Work - on Saturday night, which happens to be Valentine's night - I don't think so. I mean, I know I need a job, but really! Does he really think I am that desperate for money? And, is he just going to ignore the fact that we have been sleeping together and it is Valentine's weekend?! So, I told him I don't like the idea of working a Saturday night, but that I would get back to him if I could find someone to watch my son during the day. But really, I have no desire to go work at his office on Valentine's Day. How lousy did that make me feel? I think I should just blow him off and shoot him another email that says I can't do it. Then, I should just go out with Mr. Nice Guy, who, of course, has been asking me out for weeks. What would you do?

The Path Not Taken

I am moving in a couple of months, so I have been going through my things and getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore. I am one of those people that has kept all kinds of things from my youth - old diaries, pictures, notes from friends, etc. I came across some old photos of me from my acting days. I was young, beautiful, and had stars in my eyes, hope for the future, belief in myself. What happened to that young woman? I wish I could go back and be her again. I wish I could make different choices than I made... different choices that would have led me to a different place than I am at today. I made so many choices that led me to this place, this person that I am today. I am lost now. I somehow got off my path. How do I get back on? I am going to be 37 next week. I am an out of work, lonely single mom. I never saw myself in this place. It's like I wandered off course. I don't know where I am supposed to be, but I know this place does not feel right. I want to find my way back and get on the right path, the path not taken. I am truly sad about my life. I want to have hope, to have belief in myself, to have passion and motivation. I keep searching, spinning, like a hamster in a wheel. I am now that woman who goes out into the world every day with a smile, pretending that everything is okay. What can I do to be that woman who truly believes it? How do I find the woman I am supposed to be?

Looking for Love in all the wrong places

I want to feel that kind of love that sweeps you off your feet, that devastating feeling that you cannot possibly live without someone, that love that you see in the movies that makes me swoon with envy. This is what everyone wants, right? And the sad fact of the matter is that I am nowhere near able to open my heart to such a love and there is no one is sight that will cause such an effect on me. I feel expendable and useless and unmotivated, mostly because of my endless quest to find a job. If one doesn't love herself how can one find love. I certainly don't love my life or myself much lately. I have been trying to make the best of lousy circumstances, and I have been doing my best to find a job, to no avail. And the men I have been meeting...well, lets just say they aren't men that I can see myself with long term..Let's see there was the guy whose wife had a restraining order on him, and the guy who was in prison for 10 years for drug smuggling, and, of course, the college friend... well, he is fun, but I have come to realize that it is just a rebellious act on my part because I know we aren't right for each other and no one I know would approve. So, now what. I will just continue to try to be the best I can be. I will continue to search for passion, motivation and a commitment to be a better person. Because, right now, that is all I know to do.

Simmer vs. Sizzle

Still looking for a job. Wow, this economy is so lousy. It has never taken me this long to find employment. But I am getting by (thanks to a very supportive family). I do have an interview today with Mr. Nice Guy's company. How crazy is that? I may end up working for the same company as him! He and I are still dating; he even gave me a pretty bracelet for Christmas. But I felt guilty: A) Because I couldn't afford to get him anything and B) because I don't have such strong feelings for him. I really like him, but as a friend. I have been honest with him about the fact that I am not ready for anything serious. I do have a connection with him, but I crave that magic, that spark, that "I can't go a day without talking to you" feeling. And the sex, well, lets just say it isn't magical.

I did have some magical sex over the holidays though. I met up with an old college friend that I hadn't seen in over 15 years! We hit it off just like old times. We were "friends with benefits" in college and he was one of my firsts. So it was wild when we ended up wrapped in eachother's arms at the end of the night, once again after so many years. And, wow, it was hot... hotter than I remembered. We were just kids back then. I was 19 and he was 21. And now, well, we aren't kids anymore. Don't know if we will get together again. Maybe it wasn't as good for him as it was for me. But after all these years, I would still be up for more fun with him. I know it probably won't go anywhere (it fizzled out the first time around), but I welcome some sizzle in my life.