Light my Fire for the Holidays

I haven't written in a while. I have been down in the dumps after being laid off from my job. Like a lot of people, I am jobless and down and out for the holidays. I have been thinking so much about life lately. I miss being young and carefree. I keep in touch with a lot of old friends from school on Facebook and I suppose it is a constant reminder of my wilder, younger days when being a free spirit was completely okay. Now that I am a mom, this is not the case. I feel so lonely, a loneliness that I haven't felt before. And what I feel most of all, is desperate for excitement. I want to be lit up again. I want to feel anticipation, the kind that comes with a new love, a new job, a new interest. But right now, I am not interested in anything. I am dreading the coming weeks and wish that the year would be over NOW. I feel the coming year will be a better one. This year has been filled with such angst, worry and bad luck. I left a nightmarish relationship that has left me with a concrete wall of distrust and fear. I lost two jobs that I liked. I hate to feel sorry for myself because I am so lucky in so many ways, but I do feel like I deserve way more than I have gotten this year. I guess my bad decisions have caught up with me. So here I am, 36, out of work, lonely, jaded and poor. Happy F*cking Holidays!

MEOW!

So, Mr. ER Nurse came over the other night. I have to admit I was pretty smooth. I had ordered a pizza that just happened to arrive just after he did. I invited him to join us for pizza and he did. We had a nice chat over dinner and then he left with the kitten and my phone number :). He also gave me his full name so I looked him up on Facebook and made him my "friend". But I was disconcerted when I saw his interests were "hard rock music, motorcycles and guns". I hate hard rock music, dislike motorcycles (had my fun on them when I was young, but then a friend of mine was paralyzed and it scared me off of them for good), and I am seriously against guns. I don't know if I even want to go out with him now. I mean he obviously is a bad boy type and that is exactly what I don't need in my life right now. He didn't seem like a bad boy. After all, he is a nurse in the ICU and ER. And he seemed super sweet. He was getting the kitten for his three year old daughter's birthday!

Oh, and I didn't even mention his pictures showed off his hot bod with several tattoos. Not a big fan of those either. I guess my fantasy nurse isn't really for me. Or should I go out with him just to see what he is truly all about?

Yesterday was Cloudy, but I got my Silver Lining

I wrote before about interesting places to meet men, but this is a new one for me. I had to go to the Emergency Room yesterday after stepping on a sliver of glass that I could not dislodge. So there I am in the ER when a handsome nurse walks in, "Hello, I'm Jake." Hmmm, "Really," I said, "Jake was the name of one of my ex-boyfriends. He looks at my chart, "Seriously, because Karma (not my real name) was the name of one of my ex-girlfriends." Do I think he was telling the truth - perhaps. He then proceeded to go through the general nursing questions and asked how it had happened. I told him that my cat had knocked a bowl off the counter, that I thought I had gotten the mess cleaned up, but apparently not because I managed to slice my heel open. He nodded and said, "So, you're a cat person, huh?" I told him that I actually was a cat lover and that I had just had a litter of kittens, but was down to just two kittens (and two cats). He asked if I was giving any more away because his daughter's birthday was this week. "That's funny. My son's birthday is this Friday." Another coincidence, I thought grinning (probably stupidly). Well, then after my x-rays, I was obviously appearing very anxious about the upcoming shot, and he offered to hold my hand while I cringed through the removal of said foreign object. I declined, embarassed because I was so anxious about the whole process. It did hurt like hell so I am glad he wasn't there to witness the amount of praying and yelling I did while the doctor put a needle in my foot. But he came in after to run through my check-out procedure. I gave him my number saying "Thanks so much and call me if you would like the kitten. She's really sweet."

He left a message already for me today, and I don't think it was just for the kitten ;).

Breaking through the concrete

This time last year I was going through absolute hell in my relationship. My boyfriend at the time was showing his oh-so-possesive, controlling jealous asshole side on a consistent basis. So much so that I was afraid of what the consequences would be if I left. So, after surviving the relationship from hell last year, I am still very much afraid of falling for anyone. I mean, how does one trust again after seeing a fun, passionate relationship turn into a treacherous disaster full of distrust and despair. I don't know that I was ever in love with him; I think I just fell in love with the idea of him. He was so different in reality than what I made him out to be. It was easy to make him about to be the man of my dreams since it was long distance for the first year of our relationship. But when he moved in, the red flags started waving furiously. I ignored them, wanting so badly to believe he was who I wanted him to be. But I could only ignore them for so long. Because they went from red flags to grenades being thrown at me. In six months of living together, I found out who he truly was - a controlling, possessive, jealous person with no respect for who I truly was. I put up with it all for six months still after that! I wish I hadn't but felt I didn't have a choice since I got laid off right when I was breaking things off with him.

So that is why I have no desire to get into a serious relationship right now. I am enjoying dating when I can find time for it. I am enjoying the casual first meetings, fun nights out, first kisses, etc. But I guess I wonder if it is really possible to find true love. Every girl wants it. But I wonder if I will be searching for it the rest of my life. Would I miss it if it were right in front of me because I carry so much baggage with me wherever I go? Will anyone be able to break down the walls that I have so carefully constructed around me? Will I know my real prince when he stares into my eyes?

Slightly Smitten

So, we have had over 7 dates (lost count) at this point - me and Mr. Nice Guy. Every date has been fun. Every date he has acted like a gentleman. Every date I have felt good about. I must finally admit to myself that I like him. He is sweet, kind, easy going. I felt in the beginning that maybe I shouldn't continue dating him because he was really taking an obvious liking to me (he gave me flowers; his girl friend said he was really into me, etc.). But I am glad I hung in there. Why did I hang in there? Because I was enjoying every date with him and enjoying his company, mainly as a friend. I thought perhaps he isn't boyfriend material (for one, I am not sure he can afford me - I can be quite a high maintenance girlfriend at times). But he has paid for every date, proving that maybe he understands what I am used to. I am used to being wined and dined after my last boyfriend (and it kind of spoiled me). He could afford to buy me things and take me places, including Europe twice last year, as well as New York and Orlando. And yet I am enjoying the laid back, mellow feeling I get when I am around Mr. Nice Guy. I am completely myself. I don't have to dress up (which I always felt I had to do for said ex-boyfriend), I don't have to be anyone other than myself. I am comfortable with him, just being me. So now, I admit, I like him. Where will it take me? I have no idea. I hope my cumbersome baggage doesn't play a role in this relationship. I hope I can be honest, real and good to him. And I hope he can be with me. He did admit to me that he hasn't "touched anyone else since he was with me". I can't say the same, but he didn't ask. Have I slept with anyone lately? No, but I still have had a couple of nights out where I wasn't quite so pure. Do I want a commitment with him? Absolutely not. I am not ready for that by any means. Do I expect him to be loyal to me only at this point? I wouldn't ask him to be, out of fairness, but I hope he doesn't sleep with anyone else. I guess that is where communication comes into play. Different people have different opinions on what is appropriate when dating. So I suppose in my mind I am committing to not sleeping with anyone else until I see where things are headed with Mr. Nice Guy. And, truth be told, I haven't been interested in dating someone else either.

What's a Drama Queen to do?

I am going through a phase where I am just bored with everything. I am the kind of person who is constantly in flux. I went to five different schools. I have had countless jobs in various industries. I have dated many men. I have even lived in many different homes (but I have stayed in Georgia for the most part). I am flighty, indecisive and don't know what I want. So when my life is steady and without excitement, I tend to crave the drama. Its not like I really want my life to be dramatic, but it tends to be so. And when everything slows down and I don't have drama in my life, well, I feel sort of aimless. And presently things have slowed down. I haven't been in the mood to date. I can't afford to go anywhere or do much of anything. I don't have much to look forward to. Why can't I be satisfied with the status quo? Why must I always have something going on in order to feel fulfilled?

RANT

Excuse me, but I want to rant a bit. I am tired of men and dating. I am tired of this damn economy. I am just plain tired. I try so hard, sometimes I try too hard to create a happy, fun life and lately I just seem to be getting nowhere, like the little hamster in the wheel. I feel completely depleted this week. I love my job because it distracts me from the realities of my life. The brides are always happy and excited to be trying on dresses for their upcoming nuptials. Most are thin and beautiful. And I really enjoy making them happy by helping them find the perfect dress. But sometimes it can get to me. They have enough money to spend thousands on a dress they will wear one time! They are thin and young and beautiful. Meanwhile I am over 35, trying to scrape together enough money to fill my gas tank. It is frustrating. I am trying so hard to make ends meet as a single mom, but lately it just doesn't seem to be happening. I am stressed and can't seem to figure out how to pay my bills. I don't want to get a new job, but fear I may have to if business doesn't pick up. And I just feel lousy that at 36, this is my life. I keep telling myself things will get better, but when?

Truth be Told

So, looks like I ended things with one of my suitors, this guy I went out with (Mr. Wife) a month or so ago. We had a good time; went out four times. But the last time we went out he said "I'm an asshole". Well, I don't really want to be with an asshole; I've been with enough of them to know that. So he asked me out several times after that (via email) and I kept putting him off (I did have other plans, but I just didn't make him a priority because what he said bothered me). Then, he emailed me today asking why I hadn't talked and whether he had said or done something wrong. So I told him straight that he told me he was an ass and I didn't want to date an ass. Well, then he denied his assholeness. Whatever! I just don't think that I want to stick around to find out if he is indeed an ass or not.

So, lets see... how's this dating thing going? I would say I am getting quite bored of it. The first guy I dated (after my last relationship ended) told me on the third date that his wife had a restraining order against him, another tells me he's an ass and many more just don't seem to be gellin' with me. I guess I don't really know why I am dating so much lately anyway. I mean I am not interested in getting married again and I really don't even want to get serious with anyone. I guess I am just feeling lonely and bored. Meeting new people is usually fun, but lately I haven't felt like I am meeting the kind of guys I want to hang out with. And it sure would be nice to feel that excitement again, but I know what that leads to...

New Rules Apply

Dating today is so different now. Technology has really changed the whole scene. What with match site dating and texting and email, it really is a different world. And I'm not so sure I like it. As much as I find it easy to avoid talking to someone I don't want to converse with, I find it harder to get to know someone if you mainly communicate through texts and emails. And truthfully, I don't have time to answer my phone and chat awhile anyway. I work all day and take care of my child in the evenings. So a brief email to confirm a date works fine. But can you still really get to know someone if there is no verbal communication during the week? Does this slow the getting-to-know-you process? It seems to take away from the whole concept of a guy trying to woo a girl. What kind of romantic courtship is taking place through a text? It seems to diminish the importance of the date. It keeps it on a casual level. So is this letting guys off easy?

Meeting Mr. Right

I work in a bridal shop (yes, I know its completely ironic). One thing I always ask the brides is "How did you meet him?" Most of the time I get pretty standard answers: "Through friends", "At Church", or "At school". But I always like to hear because, I guess, part of me wonders where I will meet my Mr. Right. But when I think back to how I met the guys I dated seriously in the past, well, it wasn't so standard. My ex-husband and I met through work, which is pretty common, but we "fooled around and fell in love" which isn't. My last boyfriend - Mr. Executive - was from out of town and I met him in the Atlanta Airport. He was an international businessman in from London. I was on my way to a wedding in Florida, a case of when "two worlds collided". Then there was an ex-boyfriend (definitely a Mr. Nice Guy) who I met over a body shot of tequila (my crazy impulsiveness on that one). I guess he caught my eye right away. None of these relationships worked out in the end, obviously or I wouldn't still be single, but they were fascinating learning experiences if nothing else. I have had other boyfriends over the years who I did meet in school or through friends, but they don't stand out in my mind as much as those three probably because the relationships didn't last as long. These are three men who I dated for 2 years or more and lived with. So who knows where I will meet the next one? I believe it will be something unusual once again, when I least expect it. What is the wildest or most interesting place you ever met someone you fell for?

Mr. Hottie - Not so hot

So I saw Mr. Hottie again last night. Was at a posh bar in Buckhead where all of the hotties hang out. Well, my view of Mr. Hottie totally changed. I must have had my beer goggles or been averted by his hot abs when he raised his shirt. He said hello and then proceeded to compliment my girlfriend (not me). He made several rude, obnoxious comments and showed what a country boy he truly is. He tried to hang around me and my friend awhile (I guess he figured he got it from me once, shouldn't be too hard to get again). But I was so turned off by his personality that he lost all of his hot appeal. I guess some fantasies are just that - fantasies. Do I regret my one night stand with him? No because it was fun at the time. But will I do it again. I don't think so. Hotness only takes a guy so far.

Rich Girl, Poor Girl

Have you noticed that most of the television shows lately revolve around the rich? When did the middle class become so uninteresting? What happened to "Roseanne" or "Kate and Allie" or even "The Gilmore Girls"? Now we have "Dirty, Sexy, Money", "Privileged", "Gossip Girl" and the return of "90210". These are just a few of many shows on television that feature the upper class. These people never have to figure out how they are going to fill up their tank of gas to get to work, instead they drive fancy cars to posh restaurants and don't work ("Gossip Girl") . They don't worry about how they will afford childcare; no, they spend $1500 a week for a tutor ("Privileged")! I feel my life is pretty interesting even if some of my biggest challenges are financial ones. I guess I miss the days or "Kate and Allie" and "Roseanne" where true women and families were represented on television. Poor Girls still have drama, temptation and fun. And, I feel we have to be much more creative in life than the rich.

Good Guys Finish Last?

So I go out on date number 5 with Mr. Nice Guy. He is sweet, genuine, and very fun to hang out with. We went to a great dinner at a seafood place. The food was amazing; the company, good. Then we had tickets to a concert in a downtown music venue. We had a blast watching a very talented performer on stage; and since I had bought the tickets and suggested we go, I was very happy that he enjoyed it as much as me. We then followed up with several drinks around the downtown area. He got a little too drunk (I guess that was the Frat Boy side of him) and admitted toward the end of the night that he is really into me. Well, I really like going out with him and definitely have a good time with him, but I am not so into him. At this point (5 dates) I know this is not a match made in heaven. I just don't feel that zing that I want to feel. I am comfortable with him, no doubt, but I just don't feel like my heart will explode or that I want to dress up for him or do anything special for him. In fact, if he didn't call I don't think I would care too much. I guess I like him as a friend. And, of course, I feel bad about this. Now what do I do? Do I let him down easy and just let him go on his way? Do I keep going out with him until it just fizzles out? Do I admit that I see him as just a friend? Any suggestions? Is it true that nice guys finish last?

Charlotte vs. Samantha

I believe I suffer from a battle between my Charlotte side and my Samantha side. The Charlotte in me dreams of finding "the one", the guy that sweeps you off your feet, the white knight. Then there is my Samantha side that just wants to act like a guy and have fun without a care as to whether they call or not. Charlotte is sweet and innocent, naive and vulnerable to hurt. Samantha is sexy, carefree, and dynamic. I find that with some guys my Charlotte comes out and with others Samantha comes out loud and clear. Maybe its the Pisces in me. Which one are you? Which one do you think guys go for?

Naughty or Nice?

When I went out with Mr. Hottie the other night, he said something that struck me as funny. He said, "Wow, and you made yourself out to be so sweet and innocent." I didn't see that one coming. I was trying to figure out why he had ever thought that. Admittedly, I look younger for my age: I have blonde hair, a turned up nose, and blue eyes. And I was wearing blue jeans trimmed in lace with a lacey top, so I guess my physical appearance is what made him say that. Because in no way were my actions indicating that I was "sweet and innocent". I was drinking jack & cokes, touching him seductively, and dancing to the band in my usual somewhat provocative way. So I guess physical appearance outweighed my actions in this case. Things that make you go hmmmmm...

Singles Wikizine

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Guys, Men & Boys

I have spent almost all of my adult years being single (I was married for 6 of my 36 years). In that time I have come to some conclusions about guys. Some may call them stereotypes, but really they are just observations based on my experiences. Mainly, in my recent dating adventures I have found that guys fall into one of the following categories:
1) Mr. Executive - This is a man who is usually divorced with kids (but not always). He dresses well, is very intelligent, educated and has a great job. He casually throws in tidbits about his well paying position and likes to shower women with gifts. He is usually looking for company for a nice evening out, but is definitely hoping to get laid.
2) Mr. Wife - This guy is usually a divorced parent looking for someone to take his wife's place. He is sensitive to women, gentlemanly and looking to start a relationship as soon as possible. He will ask you out on a fun date at first, but as soon as he feels close to you, he will ask you if he can cook for you, and then want to cuddle up on the couch with a movie.
3) Mr. Hottie - This guy has played with the best of them. He is usually a commitment phobe. He is used to being ogled by women and can usually get a woman into bed with him on the first date with his smooth moves and charming smile.
4) Mr. Nice Guy - This guy is usually a nerd at heart. He is kind, thoughtful and generous. He can be sweet to a fault. He can give away his heart very quickly. He is very excited to be with a beautiful woman and usually shows nervousness on the first date. He won't make the first move.
5) Mr. Frat Boy - This guy is stuck in his college years. He loves to party and knows how to have a good time. He doesn't have high aspirations; he usually just holds down a regular job, if that. He treats women like toys.

Single in the City

So, there I am out and about on a holiday weekend. Went to Piedmont Park for their holiday weekend festival. That place is always so much fun! The music, the skyline, the park... Well, it was looking to be a pretty tame night when lo' and behold, hot guy stands right next to me. My girlfriend I was with and I were laughing at all of the drunken crazies among us. He pulled up his shirt to scratch his stomach, which revealed the hottest abs underneath. I had to comment. He asked me how I was doing. I'm doing better than ever after getting a nice view of your abs, I smiled. Thought that was about it for that guy. We chit chatted a few minutes, then he wandered off into the crowd. Later though, my friend and I went to find a cooler spot (the vents were flowing in the middle of the tent) and there he was. He chatted with my friend for a few minutes while I chatted with his. He was with a hot girl who I naturally assumed was his girlfriend, but she wasn't, they were just neighbor friends. Well, I got the scoop that he was a very nice guy who had just broke up with his girlfriend. Oh too bad! I didn't waste any time and went straight into flirtation mode. Needless to say my friend and I hung out with them all night. There was another guy too, but neither of us was into him at all. I truly enjoyed my time with hunky hot guy. When it was time to go, he invited me to go with him and naturally I did. Who could resist such a sexy man? We enjoyed a night that was beyond anything I had experienced in a while. It was so sexy and hot and just plain great. Just what a single mom like me needed on a weekend off from parenting. I must say it has been years since I have slept with someone that turned me on that much. It was definitely memorable and I look forward to keeping it in my memory even if I never hear from him again.