Thursday, March 5, 2009
Embrace the Loneliness
I have decided to embrace my loneliness. I have spent over a year being lonely as hell, meanwhile dating many guys to no avail. But right now I just need to focus on being my own best friend. I realize how hard this is for me, given that I have always been seeing someone. I have floated from one guy to the next with little time in between. And, for that reason, I am not used to this lonely feeling. But this is good for me. It gives me time to explore myself as I never have before. My biggest downfall in life has been to follow in the footsteps of the guy of the moment. I dropped out of college because of a guy (actually one that I was running away from and one that I was running to). I didn't go to L.A. to pursue acting because of a guy (he didn't want to go and yet now he lives there and is successful in the biz and engaged to Madonna's assistant). I didn't pursue my dream of acting because I got married to a guy. And I have moved more times than I want to admit because of a guy. I need to stop changing my life because of my endless quest to find the right guy. I need to focus on me and my own happiness. And truthfully, I have, in some ways, liked being alone. I can watch whatever I want on tv. I discipline my son the way I want without anyone telling me I am doing it wrong. I can spend more time with my son. I can do what I want when I want. And I don't have to spend extra energy trying to please someone else. I think this time is crucial to my own personal development. Has it been difficult at times? Yes, but then again so are relationships. Has it been scary to realize that if I died suddenly there wouldn't be anyone there to bawl at my bedside - yes. Okay, my son would, but that is what keeps me going. My son is the most precious thing to me, and when I realize I am raising a little guy who is going to grow into one of these men of the world, well, it just makes me want to focus on making him the best guy he can be. Because some day he is going to meet a girl, and she will fall in love with him. When that happens I want to make sure he knows how to treat a girl right.