Thursday, March 5, 2009

Embrace the Loneliness

I have decided to embrace my loneliness. I have spent over a year being lonely as hell, meanwhile dating many guys to no avail. But right now I just need to focus on being my own best friend. I realize how hard this is for me, given that I have always been seeing someone. I have floated from one guy to the next with little time in between. And, for that reason, I am not used to this lonely feeling. But this is good for me. It gives me time to explore myself as I never have before. My biggest downfall in life has been to follow in the footsteps of the guy of the moment. I dropped out of college because of a guy (actually one that I was running away from and one that I was running to). I didn't go to L.A. to pursue acting because of a guy (he didn't want to go and yet now he lives there and is successful in the biz and engaged to Madonna's assistant). I didn't pursue my dream of acting because I got married to a guy. And I have moved more times than I want to admit because of a guy. I need to stop changing my life because of my endless quest to find the right guy. I need to focus on me and my own happiness. And truthfully, I have, in some ways, liked being alone. I can watch whatever I want on tv. I discipline my son the way I want without anyone telling me I am doing it wrong. I can spend more time with my son. I can do what I want when I want. And I don't have to spend extra energy trying to please someone else. I think this time is crucial to my own personal development. Has it been difficult at times? Yes, but then again so are relationships. Has it been scary to realize that if I died suddenly there wouldn't be anyone there to bawl at my bedside - yes. Okay, my son would, but that is what keeps me going. My son is the most precious thing to me, and when I realize I am raising a little guy who is going to grow into one of these men of the world, well, it just makes me want to focus on making him the best guy he can be. Because some day he is going to meet a girl, and she will fall in love with him. When that happens I want to make sure he knows how to treat a girl right.


NoAngel said...

Hello Peach,

I just stumbled upon your blog and read a few of your posts. I can identify with so many of the thoughts and experiences that you've mentioned here. It's a little eerie how similar some of them are to my own.

A little about me: I am 35 years old and the newly single mother (the divorce is in progress) of one. In February (actually, the day after Valentine's Day) I broke things off with a guy I'd been seeing when it became clear that his feelings for me were much stronger than mine for him. I also think of myself as a cross between Charlotte & Samantha. And I was even surprised recently by how difficult it was to make new friends when I ventured out to an event by myself for the first time a couple of weeks ago. Such odd coincidences.

But I'm posting this comment because I am also just learning to understand and accept my feelings of loneliness. From the time I turned 18 until the time of my separation a year ago, my days as a "single" would add up to less than 2 months! I don't yet understand how/why it happened, but I went from one serious relationship to another with only a matter of days (not weeks!) in between.

I am now taking a much needed break from "coupledom". For the first time in my adult life I find myself without the label of girlfriend, fiance, or wife. The process of discovering who I am apart from a relationship with a man has been alternately frightening and freeing. And, quite honestly, it's been a very rough transition.

But I'm beginning to suspect that feelings of loneliness can be deceptive. It seems that I've been in good company all along - I just didn't realize it.

So, thank you for sharing.


peachofatl said...

Sounds like we do have a lot in common. You should share your stories too. Gotta love the blog world. Good luck with your divorce and all. It's not an easy step, but for me it has been the right one.

Pam said...

Its been quite a while since you posted this, but i just had to tell you how meaningful your expression is to me.

I am a 28yr soon- to- be -divorced mother of two, and i can totally relate to your feelings of floating from one relationship to another.

Allowing the men in our lives to have such a strong influence on who we are and what we become.

Whats so intreasting is i am African living in Asia, yet your words resonate in my heart and i am touched by it as if you were just living next door!.