I'm Not Gonna Write You a Love Song

What a slap in the face! I went out with Dane (college friend, another Mr. Executive) last week and we had a good time again (or so I thought). It was our third night out together, and, although, I am not thinking long term with him, I did enjoy another night of cavorting and carefree kisses under the covers. So, here it is: Valentine's weekend, and I haven't heard a word from him. I don't expect much, mind you, but a call or email would be nice. So, I shot him an email "Hope your week is going well." And I get a call back. He asks if I have my son this weekend. I take that as "Do you want to go out?" So, I tell him I don't have my son Saturday night (which is true, although I have not made any plans yet - pathetic, I know). He asks if I would like to do some work for his company to make some extra cash. What!? Work - on Saturday night, which happens to be Valentine's night - I don't think so. I mean, I know I need a job, but really! Does he really think I am that desperate for money? And, is he just going to ignore the fact that we have been sleeping together and it is Valentine's weekend?! So, I told him I don't like the idea of working a Saturday night, but that I would get back to him if I could find someone to watch my son during the day. But really, I have no desire to go work at his office on Valentine's Day. How lousy did that make me feel? I think I should just blow him off and shoot him another email that says I can't do it. Then, I should just go out with Mr. Nice Guy, who, of course, has been asking me out for weeks. What would you do?

The Path Not Taken

I am moving in a couple of months, so I have been going through my things and getting rid of stuff I don't need anymore. I am one of those people that has kept all kinds of things from my youth - old diaries, pictures, notes from friends, etc. I came across some old photos of me from my acting days. I was young, beautiful, and had stars in my eyes, hope for the future, belief in myself. What happened to that young woman? I wish I could go back and be her again. I wish I could make different choices than I made... different choices that would have led me to a different place than I am at today. I made so many choices that led me to this place, this person that I am today. I am lost now. I somehow got off my path. How do I get back on? I am going to be 37 next week. I am an out of work, lonely single mom. I never saw myself in this place. It's like I wandered off course. I don't know where I am supposed to be, but I know this place does not feel right. I want to find my way back and get on the right path, the path not taken. I am truly sad about my life. I want to have hope, to have belief in myself, to have passion and motivation. I keep searching, spinning, like a hamster in a wheel. I am now that woman who goes out into the world every day with a smile, pretending that everything is okay. What can I do to be that woman who truly believes it? How do I find the woman I am supposed to be?

Looking for Love in all the wrong places

I want to feel that kind of love that sweeps you off your feet, that devastating feeling that you cannot possibly live without someone, that love that you see in the movies that makes me swoon with envy. This is what everyone wants, right? And the sad fact of the matter is that I am nowhere near able to open my heart to such a love and there is no one is sight that will cause such an effect on me. I feel expendable and useless and unmotivated, mostly because of my endless quest to find a job. If one doesn't love herself how can one find love. I certainly don't love my life or myself much lately. I have been trying to make the best of lousy circumstances, and I have been doing my best to find a job, to no avail. And the men I have been meeting...well, lets just say they aren't men that I can see myself with long term..Let's see there was the guy whose wife had a restraining order on him, and the guy who was in prison for 10 years for drug smuggling, and, of course, the college friend... well, he is fun, but I have come to realize that it is just a rebellious act on my part because I know we aren't right for each other and no one I know would approve. So, now what. I will just continue to try to be the best I can be. I will continue to search for passion, motivation and a commitment to be a better person. Because, right now, that is all I know to do.

Simmer vs. Sizzle

Still looking for a job. Wow, this economy is so lousy. It has never taken me this long to find employment. But I am getting by (thanks to a very supportive family). I do have an interview today with Mr. Nice Guy's company. How crazy is that? I may end up working for the same company as him! He and I are still dating; he even gave me a pretty bracelet for Christmas. But I felt guilty: A) Because I couldn't afford to get him anything and B) because I don't have such strong feelings for him. I really like him, but as a friend. I have been honest with him about the fact that I am not ready for anything serious. I do have a connection with him, but I crave that magic, that spark, that "I can't go a day without talking to you" feeling. And the sex, well, lets just say it isn't magical.

I did have some magical sex over the holidays though. I met up with an old college friend that I hadn't seen in over 15 years! We hit it off just like old times. We were "friends with benefits" in college and he was one of my firsts. So it was wild when we ended up wrapped in eachother's arms at the end of the night, once again after so many years. And, wow, it was hot... hotter than I remembered. We were just kids back then. I was 19 and he was 21. And now, well, we aren't kids anymore. Don't know if we will get together again. Maybe it wasn't as good for him as it was for me. But after all these years, I would still be up for more fun with him. I know it probably won't go anywhere (it fizzled out the first time around), but I welcome some sizzle in my life.

Light my Fire for the Holidays

I haven't written in a while. I have been down in the dumps after being laid off from my job. Like a lot of people, I am jobless and down and out for the holidays. I have been thinking so much about life lately. I miss being young and carefree. I keep in touch with a lot of old friends from school on Facebook and I suppose it is a constant reminder of my wilder, younger days when being a free spirit was completely okay. Now that I am a mom, this is not the case. I feel so lonely, a loneliness that I haven't felt before. And what I feel most of all, is desperate for excitement. I want to be lit up again. I want to feel anticipation, the kind that comes with a new love, a new job, a new interest. But right now, I am not interested in anything. I am dreading the coming weeks and wish that the year would be over NOW. I feel the coming year will be a better one. This year has been filled with such angst, worry and bad luck. I left a nightmarish relationship that has left me with a concrete wall of distrust and fear. I lost two jobs that I liked. I hate to feel sorry for myself because I am so lucky in so many ways, but I do feel like I deserve way more than I have gotten this year. I guess my bad decisions have caught up with me. So here I am, 36, out of work, lonely, jaded and poor. Happy F*cking Holidays!

MEOW!

So, Mr. ER Nurse came over the other night. I have to admit I was pretty smooth. I had ordered a pizza that just happened to arrive just after he did. I invited him to join us for pizza and he did. We had a nice chat over dinner and then he left with the kitten and my phone number :). He also gave me his full name so I looked him up on Facebook and made him my "friend". But I was disconcerted when I saw his interests were "hard rock music, motorcycles and guns". I hate hard rock music, dislike motorcycles (had my fun on them when I was young, but then a friend of mine was paralyzed and it scared me off of them for good), and I am seriously against guns. I don't know if I even want to go out with him now. I mean he obviously is a bad boy type and that is exactly what I don't need in my life right now. He didn't seem like a bad boy. After all, he is a nurse in the ICU and ER. And he seemed super sweet. He was getting the kitten for his three year old daughter's birthday!

Oh, and I didn't even mention his pictures showed off his hot bod with several tattoos. Not a big fan of those either. I guess my fantasy nurse isn't really for me. Or should I go out with him just to see what he is truly all about?

Yesterday was Cloudy, but I got my Silver Lining

I wrote before about interesting places to meet men, but this is a new one for me. I had to go to the Emergency Room yesterday after stepping on a sliver of glass that I could not dislodge. So there I am in the ER when a handsome nurse walks in, "Hello, I'm Jake." Hmmm, "Really," I said, "Jake was the name of one of my ex-boyfriends. He looks at my chart, "Seriously, because Karma (not my real name) was the name of one of my ex-girlfriends." Do I think he was telling the truth - perhaps. He then proceeded to go through the general nursing questions and asked how it had happened. I told him that my cat had knocked a bowl off the counter, that I thought I had gotten the mess cleaned up, but apparently not because I managed to slice my heel open. He nodded and said, "So, you're a cat person, huh?" I told him that I actually was a cat lover and that I had just had a litter of kittens, but was down to just two kittens (and two cats). He asked if I was giving any more away because his daughter's birthday was this week. "That's funny. My son's birthday is this Friday." Another coincidence, I thought grinning (probably stupidly). Well, then after my x-rays, I was obviously appearing very anxious about the upcoming shot, and he offered to hold my hand while I cringed through the removal of said foreign object. I declined, embarassed because I was so anxious about the whole process. It did hurt like hell so I am glad he wasn't there to witness the amount of praying and yelling I did while the doctor put a needle in my foot. But he came in after to run through my check-out procedure. I gave him my number saying "Thanks so much and call me if you would like the kitten. She's really sweet."

He left a message already for me today, and I don't think it was just for the kitten ;).