Simmer vs. Sizzle

Still looking for a job. Wow, this economy is so lousy. It has never taken me this long to find employment. But I am getting by (thanks to a very supportive family). I do have an interview today with Mr. Nice Guy's company. How crazy is that? I may end up working for the same company as him! He and I are still dating; he even gave me a pretty bracelet for Christmas. But I felt guilty: A) Because I couldn't afford to get him anything and B) because I don't have such strong feelings for him. I really like him, but as a friend. I have been honest with him about the fact that I am not ready for anything serious. I do have a connection with him, but I crave that magic, that spark, that "I can't go a day without talking to you" feeling. And the sex, well, lets just say it isn't magical.

I did have some magical sex over the holidays though. I met up with an old college friend that I hadn't seen in over 15 years! We hit it off just like old times. We were "friends with benefits" in college and he was one of my firsts. So it was wild when we ended up wrapped in eachother's arms at the end of the night, once again after so many years. And, wow, it was hot... hotter than I remembered. We were just kids back then. I was 19 and he was 21. And now, well, we aren't kids anymore. Don't know if we will get together again. Maybe it wasn't as good for him as it was for me. But after all these years, I would still be up for more fun with him. I know it probably won't go anywhere (it fizzled out the first time around), but I welcome some sizzle in my life.

Light my Fire for the Holidays

I haven't written in a while. I have been down in the dumps after being laid off from my job. Like a lot of people, I am jobless and down and out for the holidays. I have been thinking so much about life lately. I miss being young and carefree. I keep in touch with a lot of old friends from school on Facebook and I suppose it is a constant reminder of my wilder, younger days when being a free spirit was completely okay. Now that I am a mom, this is not the case. I feel so lonely, a loneliness that I haven't felt before. And what I feel most of all, is desperate for excitement. I want to be lit up again. I want to feel anticipation, the kind that comes with a new love, a new job, a new interest. But right now, I am not interested in anything. I am dreading the coming weeks and wish that the year would be over NOW. I feel the coming year will be a better one. This year has been filled with such angst, worry and bad luck. I left a nightmarish relationship that has left me with a concrete wall of distrust and fear. I lost two jobs that I liked. I hate to feel sorry for myself because I am so lucky in so many ways, but I do feel like I deserve way more than I have gotten this year. I guess my bad decisions have caught up with me. So here I am, 36, out of work, lonely, jaded and poor. Happy F*cking Holidays!

MEOW!

So, Mr. ER Nurse came over the other night. I have to admit I was pretty smooth. I had ordered a pizza that just happened to arrive just after he did. I invited him to join us for pizza and he did. We had a nice chat over dinner and then he left with the kitten and my phone number :). He also gave me his full name so I looked him up on Facebook and made him my "friend". But I was disconcerted when I saw his interests were "hard rock music, motorcycles and guns". I hate hard rock music, dislike motorcycles (had my fun on them when I was young, but then a friend of mine was paralyzed and it scared me off of them for good), and I am seriously against guns. I don't know if I even want to go out with him now. I mean he obviously is a bad boy type and that is exactly what I don't need in my life right now. He didn't seem like a bad boy. After all, he is a nurse in the ICU and ER. And he seemed super sweet. He was getting the kitten for his three year old daughter's birthday!

Oh, and I didn't even mention his pictures showed off his hot bod with several tattoos. Not a big fan of those either. I guess my fantasy nurse isn't really for me. Or should I go out with him just to see what he is truly all about?

Yesterday was Cloudy, but I got my Silver Lining

I wrote before about interesting places to meet men, but this is a new one for me. I had to go to the Emergency Room yesterday after stepping on a sliver of glass that I could not dislodge. So there I am in the ER when a handsome nurse walks in, "Hello, I'm Jake." Hmmm, "Really," I said, "Jake was the name of one of my ex-boyfriends. He looks at my chart, "Seriously, because Karma (not my real name) was the name of one of my ex-girlfriends." Do I think he was telling the truth - perhaps. He then proceeded to go through the general nursing questions and asked how it had happened. I told him that my cat had knocked a bowl off the counter, that I thought I had gotten the mess cleaned up, but apparently not because I managed to slice my heel open. He nodded and said, "So, you're a cat person, huh?" I told him that I actually was a cat lover and that I had just had a litter of kittens, but was down to just two kittens (and two cats). He asked if I was giving any more away because his daughter's birthday was this week. "That's funny. My son's birthday is this Friday." Another coincidence, I thought grinning (probably stupidly). Well, then after my x-rays, I was obviously appearing very anxious about the upcoming shot, and he offered to hold my hand while I cringed through the removal of said foreign object. I declined, embarassed because I was so anxious about the whole process. It did hurt like hell so I am glad he wasn't there to witness the amount of praying and yelling I did while the doctor put a needle in my foot. But he came in after to run through my check-out procedure. I gave him my number saying "Thanks so much and call me if you would like the kitten. She's really sweet."

He left a message already for me today, and I don't think it was just for the kitten ;).

Breaking through the concrete

This time last year I was going through absolute hell in my relationship. My boyfriend at the time was showing his oh-so-possesive, controlling jealous asshole side on a consistent basis. So much so that I was afraid of what the consequences would be if I left. So, after surviving the relationship from hell last year, I am still very much afraid of falling for anyone. I mean, how does one trust again after seeing a fun, passionate relationship turn into a treacherous disaster full of distrust and despair. I don't know that I was ever in love with him; I think I just fell in love with the idea of him. He was so different in reality than what I made him out to be. It was easy to make him about to be the man of my dreams since it was long distance for the first year of our relationship. But when he moved in, the red flags started waving furiously. I ignored them, wanting so badly to believe he was who I wanted him to be. But I could only ignore them for so long. Because they went from red flags to grenades being thrown at me. In six months of living together, I found out who he truly was - a controlling, possessive, jealous person with no respect for who I truly was. I put up with it all for six months still after that! I wish I hadn't but felt I didn't have a choice since I got laid off right when I was breaking things off with him.

So that is why I have no desire to get into a serious relationship right now. I am enjoying dating when I can find time for it. I am enjoying the casual first meetings, fun nights out, first kisses, etc. But I guess I wonder if it is really possible to find true love. Every girl wants it. But I wonder if I will be searching for it the rest of my life. Would I miss it if it were right in front of me because I carry so much baggage with me wherever I go? Will anyone be able to break down the walls that I have so carefully constructed around me? Will I know my real prince when he stares into my eyes?

Slightly Smitten

So, we have had over 7 dates (lost count) at this point - me and Mr. Nice Guy. Every date has been fun. Every date he has acted like a gentleman. Every date I have felt good about. I must finally admit to myself that I like him. He is sweet, kind, easy going. I felt in the beginning that maybe I shouldn't continue dating him because he was really taking an obvious liking to me (he gave me flowers; his girl friend said he was really into me, etc.). But I am glad I hung in there. Why did I hang in there? Because I was enjoying every date with him and enjoying his company, mainly as a friend. I thought perhaps he isn't boyfriend material (for one, I am not sure he can afford me - I can be quite a high maintenance girlfriend at times). But he has paid for every date, proving that maybe he understands what I am used to. I am used to being wined and dined after my last boyfriend (and it kind of spoiled me). He could afford to buy me things and take me places, including Europe twice last year, as well as New York and Orlando. And yet I am enjoying the laid back, mellow feeling I get when I am around Mr. Nice Guy. I am completely myself. I don't have to dress up (which I always felt I had to do for said ex-boyfriend), I don't have to be anyone other than myself. I am comfortable with him, just being me. So now, I admit, I like him. Where will it take me? I have no idea. I hope my cumbersome baggage doesn't play a role in this relationship. I hope I can be honest, real and good to him. And I hope he can be with me. He did admit to me that he hasn't "touched anyone else since he was with me". I can't say the same, but he didn't ask. Have I slept with anyone lately? No, but I still have had a couple of nights out where I wasn't quite so pure. Do I want a commitment with him? Absolutely not. I am not ready for that by any means. Do I expect him to be loyal to me only at this point? I wouldn't ask him to be, out of fairness, but I hope he doesn't sleep with anyone else. I guess that is where communication comes into play. Different people have different opinions on what is appropriate when dating. So I suppose in my mind I am committing to not sleeping with anyone else until I see where things are headed with Mr. Nice Guy. And, truth be told, I haven't been interested in dating someone else either.

What's a Drama Queen to do?

I am going through a phase where I am just bored with everything. I am the kind of person who is constantly in flux. I went to five different schools. I have had countless jobs in various industries. I have dated many men. I have even lived in many different homes (but I have stayed in Georgia for the most part). I am flighty, indecisive and don't know what I want. So when my life is steady and without excitement, I tend to crave the drama. Its not like I really want my life to be dramatic, but it tends to be so. And when everything slows down and I don't have drama in my life, well, I feel sort of aimless. And presently things have slowed down. I haven't been in the mood to date. I can't afford to go anywhere or do much of anything. I don't have much to look forward to. Why can't I be satisfied with the status quo? Why must I always have something going on in order to feel fulfilled?